"Raves" are "all-night-dance-paries" which usually don't "start" until late at "night". "Rave Parties" are characterized by loud "techno" music, copious amounts of "drugs", and lots and lots of "glow-in-the-dark" crap. Which, of course is evil.
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These secret, illegal underground parties are often held in dangerous locations like abandoned warehouses, the wilderness, or full scale mock-ups of such 1980's children's favorites such as Castle Greyskull, Cobra Command Center, or the Ewok Tree-Village Playset. These raves could happen anywhere, at any time. In fact, they could be under your bed right now. See why it's important to keep guns in the house?
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Ravers: Junkies with nicer clothes
Of course, we've all heard about the horrible illegal drug-taking at these orgies of self-gratification known as "rave parties". Deadly new designer drugs such as "esctasy" (a mixture of heroin and cocaine), "LSD", and "Plur" (which, to the best of our knowledge, is some kind of PCP analog) make today's ravers no better than the filthy, filthy hippies who once plauged our streets and taught our children that free thought is acceptable. As we all know, there's no way to safely moderate your own drug use. That's just impossible. There is no way to test these tablets of "ecstasy" for adulterants, so don't even try. There is no such thing as "pre-loading". Or "responsible" drug use. That's like, a myth. To learn more about illegal drugs and how they'll mess you up so badly that you'll never, ever recover and your children's children's children will suffer massive brain damage, you should definately check out the excellent site, freevibe.com. They provide the most unbiased, truthful information pertaining to controlled substances there is.
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What do these vaugely-satanic, degenerate ravers look like?
Ravers are usually citizens between the ages of 10 and 35. Ravers are usually associated with the following:
60's/70's clothing
Glowsticks
Bizarre Hats
Anything Futuristic
Psychedelic Colors
Vicks Inhalers
"Phat" Pants
Laser-powered Weaponry
Self-repairing Bio-Armor
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Remember kids, those baggy pants and High-Impact Plastic Reinforced Titanium Chainmail Composite Armor Battlesuit may be the "in" thing now, but it won't be so "cool" when you're in jail.
Anything a Raver Says or Does is Drug-Slang:
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Anything associated with raves is inherantly bad, and somehow related to drugs or premarital sex. I'm not kidding. Some people did a study or something a while back. They were given a lot money to do it, so I'm sure their results were accurate. It's not like they didn't devote a lot of time and effort to their research. I can't think of the study right now, since I'm suffering from accidental exposure to "Happy Hardcore". Anyways the following is a rough translation of the secret language ravers use to conceal their drug use:
>"How much is it to get into the party?"
Translation:Where can I score some drugs?
>"Do you know who's spinning right now?"
Translation:I just robbed a gas station to feed my habit.
>"Can I borrow your lighter?"
Translation:I am an avowed member of the Medallin drug cartel.
>"Do you want a bracelet?"
Translation:The trunk of my car is filled with pure heroin. Do you want to purchase any?
>"I'm rolling really hard."
Translation:Satan moves through my voice. Soon, control of the world will be seized by Our Dark Lord. Ave Satanas, kiss the goat.
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How Getting High Can Get You AIDS, and Raves Are No Picnic Either, You Should Stay Away From Those, Too
Getting High Makes You Forget.
Being a teen is exciting. Being a teen in a with pitifully outdated clothes, like our friends to the left, in a world full of sex, drugs and raving is hard.
You might not know all the ways raving and AIDS are connected.
This webpage will help you understand the dangers and how to avoid them. Drugs, like ecstasy, ketamine, and "Q" can cloud your judgment, make it hard to know right from wrong, distract you from the fact you're dancing to something most people wouldn't consider "music".
Raving Makes You Forget What's Important...
Like voting Rebuplican, outlawing Same-Sex Marriage, and imposing the death-penalty for shoplifting, because, you just don't care.
You Forget You're Only Human.
When you get high you may mistakenly believe techno sounds good, phat pants make it easier to dance, and cartoons aimed at 6-year-olds are cool.
Raving Can Make You Do Things You May Wish You Never Did, Like:
paying $3 for a bottle of water
spending half the night trying to find E
sucking on a pacifier all night
plugging
smearing your face with Vic's-vap-o-rub
When Drugs Make You Forget, You May Take Risks, Like Having Sex.
Teen years are a time of making all kinds of new decisions. One of those decisions is when to have sex. It's important that you have sex with someone who's really popular, not some loser in an apron top with butterfly visor-clips.
Why Is Raving Risky? It Can Lead to AIDS.
Raving is just plain wrong, I'm sure there's something in the Bible that'll back up that statement. And when you're out commiting acts against God, he will send aids to punish you.
Before you put a raver in your mouth, think to yourself "Where has that Raver been?".
Those jock parties that rich parents let their kids throw are way better than Raves. Plus, they're chock-full of alcohol, which isn't really dangerous, and not really a drug.
If you choose to have sex, be sure it will improve your social standing and overall popularity. After all, image counts.
Make Your Decision About Sex With a Clear Head, Without Drugs.
Sometimes you can feel pressured to have sex when you may not want to, and drugs make it harder to say no. Pressure about sex can be hard to deal with -- it can come from drugged-out ravers, a hippy, or even your uncle. Remember to only have sex with the popular kids.
The first thing to remember is you're charge of your body and what you choose to do with it.
The second thing to remember is there is a lot at stake -- sex with a raver could give you aids, get you kicked off the football team, or could result in a 1-5 year prison sentance in certain Southern states.
It helps to Make a Plan and Stick to it.
If someone offers you drugs, take it as a complement, because not many people go around giving that kind of stuff away for free. You must be really, really hot. If you're going to sleep with a dealer, make sure he's good looking and drives a nice car.
Making Your Plan.
Think about who you are and what's important to you, think about how using drugs and being seen in the presence of ravers could affect that. When you have a plan it's easier to handle situations where you want to have sex with friends but don't want to commit to a relationship.
If someone pressures you about sex you could let them know where you stand by saying: "It'll be $75 an hour," or, "Sorry, but I'm already ....ing a more attractive, popular individual."
It's a Fact.
Teens who use condoms during sex tend to use them less if they've been drinking or smoking dope. We learned this through years of intense stalking, and lurking in bushes.
As we've said before, Raving is really, really bad. Some ravers have a sense of free-spirited, creative individuality that might rub off on you.
The number of reported AIDS cases among teenagers increased 96% between 1988 and 1990. You'll have to take our word for it.
You May Already Know This But...
If an old guy in a van offers you $50 to be in a video, make sure you get the money up front.
Just because you've ....ed a guy is no reason to let him bum cigarettes after sex.
Most ravers are either high-tech holograms created by evil promoters to make it look like there's a lot of people at the party, or Satan in one of his many disguises.
Why go to a rave, dance, and have a good time with really cool people when you can get have a drunken three-way with the captain of the football team at the Holiday Inn?
Raving is fatal.
-John
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EMail: DJSphinx@eternalbeats.net
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