Essay
– The Importance of Proper Hair-length –
My name is Specialist Jessie Kellam Blair, and my purpose within the writing of this essay is to prove and validate the importance of maintaining the proper hair-length in accordance with the Army Regulation six-seventy dash one.
On Monday, day nineteen of the month of November, common era two-thousand one, my appearance in the first duty formation was said to be below standard in regards to the length of my hair. In accordance with Army Regulation, six-seventy dash one:
There are many hairstyles that are acceptable in the Army. So long as the soldier’s hair is kept in a neat, clean manner, the acceptability of the style will be judged solely by the criteria described below. Extreme or fad style haircuts or hairstyles are not authorized. If dyes, tints, or bleaches are used, colors used must be natural to human hair and not present an extreme appearance. Lines or designs will not be cut into the hair or scalp. Styles of hair and texture differ among the different ethnic groups and these differences affect the length and bulk of hair as well as the style worn by each soldier. Haircuts, without reference to style, will conform to the following standards.
The hair on top of the head will be neatly groomed. The length and bulk of the hair will not be excessive or present a ragged, unkempt, or extreme appearance. Hair will present a tapered appearance and when combed will not fall over the ears or eyebrows or touch the collar except for the closely cut hair at the back of the neck. The block cut fullness in the back is permitted in moderate degree as long as the tapered look is maintained. In all cases, the bulk or length of hair will not interfere with the normal wear of headgear or protective masks.
I fail to understand how my hair does not follow these regulations, except for maybe where it mentions a tapered appearance. If this is the case then I would like to know what a tapered appearance is, so that I might correct myself.
Now, I understand that I often tend to get angry when I write these stupid essays, so I, with the help of my friend Roberta, have come up with something humorous to throw in, just to waste space, because I cannot figure out how to say two thousand words worth over this small of a debacle. Remember, this is all in humor, and is not intended taken seriously in any manner.
I must follow regulations on hair length because the regulations say I do. Other than that, the only thing I have to add to this essay is that my NCO is an anal retentive [arse] who needs more bran in his/her diet. In addition, I feel that I should be given a direct and public apology by the NCO for his/her inappropriate behavior toward me, including but not limited to touching me in private places, kissing my ear while letting people think he/she was whispering, and fondling him-/herself while I was forced to watch with the infrared binoculars late at night last Thursday, thus depriving me of the sleep required in order to do my duty.
Furthermore, I have dyed my pubic hairs blonde, since there is no regulation against it, and I paint my toenails a lovely shade of mauve, except for the right pinky toe, since my NCO seems to have a fetish for that and the bindi in my navel.
There is no regulation forbidding the use of urine as a hair conditioner. There is no regulation forbidding fornication with sheep. There is no regulation forbidding cunnilingus on a female cat. There is no regulation forbidding sticking one's fingers in the blender in the mess hall and pushing the "pulverize" button. There is no regulation against blowing one's nose in the stew.
I feel, taking this gross lack of regulatory supervision of such obscene and vulgar practices into consideration, that the infraction concerning the shaving of one's head at a regularly scheduled interval is so completely inane, unimportant, and trite, that the Military should be ashamed of even including it in their blessed regulations in the first place.
In addition, while we're on the topic of regulations, I challenge you to quote me the exact article, paragraph, and line of the regulation regarding toenail length. I have searched the entire volume and have yet to find it. If it doesn't exist, I will be growing my toenails to a minimum of two inches beyond the toe, thus causing injury to my feet and warranting a reclassification to 04F.
My non-commissioned officer, remaining anonymous for obvious reasons, has halitosis and his/her very breath is personally offensive. I demand that s/he see the company physician and have it removed.
I would also like to see Twinkies added to Tuesday dinners instead of that slush you call Jell-O, and a nice cabernet would really help morale.
Roberta is still speaking in my head. She is a Necromancer and is threatening to leave me to rot next time she walks by my corpse. She is ordering you, with me as a channel, to do as I request and to remove any past and current offenses off my record. If you do not comply, she will inflict such pain as to cause you to beg her for death.
She offers a sample of her sense of justice, as follows:
Roberta casts at a prismatic wisp with Wave of Darkness!
Critical Success!
Biting frost to body!
Roberta’s assault renders it incapacitated!
A prismatic wisp shrinks for a moment, glowing white-hot. An instant later it explodes in a shower of bursting prismatic lights, blinding you!
I am now restraining from repeating her favorite number, seven, 1007 times, since she is chanting it over and over in the dreary blackness of my mind.
She's really a very nice lady once she takes her eyeballs out. Her eyeballs are her path to power, you see, and with them she is the Goddess Kasira's evil and dark minion. She takes them out sometimes and lets me eat them. They taste a little like that fake chocolate stuff called carob.
Once when I was seven years old (did I mention seven is Roberta's favorite number?) she came to me in my sleep as usual, and rolled her eyeballs over my naked body under the covers. It was really fun. Then I woke up and my mommy came in and gave me a lollipop. I think I like the eyeballs better.
Mommy wore army boots, just like my commanding officer. Do you think the CO will let me call him mommy?
In summary, one must shave one's head as is appropriate according to the regulations (and include the regulation number), because any instance of disobedience toward the rules, and toward one's Commanding Officer can be construed as a minor mutiny, a rebellion, and the person committing such an offense, no matter how trivial it might seem, would be untrustworthy to his peers and to his superiors.
Love and kisses,
Specialist (soon to be Private First Class) Caels.
Post signature – Roberta made me say that; she’s evil
and she talks to me in my sleep.
Okay… I think that is enough from my friend. Where was I? Oh yeah.
I felt that, for once, you poor non-commissioned officers would like to hear some humor instead of my constant sarcasm and bitching. And in lieu of this essay, I shall try to maintain the standards set forth (though not the standards prescribed by Roberta) and never again shall you need to tell me to cut my hair. Once again though, I do wish to know what a tapered appearance is so that I might be within the previously stated regulations, in accordance with Army Regulation six-seventy dash one.
I hope you have enjoyed your tour of my wonderful psyche, and recall that it was purely for humor, and for wasting space on the page. Nothing stated above within the confines of italics and humor is relevant to any real life situation involving me, not involving any of the non-commissioned officers within the unit (hopefully).
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Caels Onae'Rae
AIM : Lord Caels
Emails:
caels_onaerae@hotmail.com
caels@gsplayers.com
[Edited by request for vulgarity]
[This message has been edited by Caels (edited 11-19-2001).] reg
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